UnkindlyYours

Well, anyway.

Something shifts in your brain when you decide you’re going live. 

Not because you weren’t allowed to before, but now, now that you’ve given yourself the permission you didn’t think you needed, something is different. 

You’re still sad, depressed, lonely, angry- whatever feeling you’d like to assign to yourself. But now the only option is to live. 

It’s not that I want to live or that I don’t want to die but that death in the way I’d imagined for so many years was going to be different. 

Something switched in my mind and I don’t know when, how or why, but one day I went to say how miserable I was and that I was ready end it, and what came out was “guess I’ll live” 

And now instead of putting a concerted effort into not dying, it’ll go towards trying to live. 

And I’m so angry about it. I’m angry because what am I going to do now? I always had an escape route and now I don’t. Now I HAVE to go THROUGH it? Buddy I’ve been “going through it” my whole life. How is this any different?! 

I don’t know. But I do know that it’s the only option I’ve got now. 

So anyway, guess I’ll live

Unkindly Yours,

A. J. Mercer